Meme Monday: I got 99 problems, but my kicks… Err, I mean… My disk ain’t one!

From PickYourShoes.com

I got 99 problems, but my kicks disk ain’t one!

Yes, I did say kicks.  I am a shoe fan, more specifically I collect and wear Nike Air Jordans and prefer Cole Haan dress and casual shoes with the Nike Air unit for the office, but that’s beside the point.  I just wanted to relate the image.

So the great Thomas LaRock (Twitter | Blog) issued the following challenge:

Next Monday we will kick off a new meme, this time it will be “I got 99 problems but a disk ain’t one”. The idea is for you to list out the things that can go wrong with SQL that are NOT a result of disk issues. No, you don’t need to do 99, try to think of nine (9) things that come to mind. For example, your list could include things like linked servers, or NULLs, or whatever you would consider to be an issue in your shop.

For more details, check out his post here.

Well, my list includes not only problems, but gripes, complaints, pet-peeves, and such that I have experienced and seen in my career; the list includes things I hate to see with respect to SQL Server.  So without further adieu, here is my list:

One: Updating or deleting from a Production database instead of a Development database.
Don’t you hate that when that happens?!?!

Two: Working with Development data that is not reflective of Production data.
How can you test, develop, or debug with data not representative of Production?!?!  Apples versus oranges…

Three: Inheriting and having to work with bad TSQL or code.
Who wrote this? And how did this get approved? Heck, how did it ever work?

Four: Working with TSQL joins that do not make use of table indexes.
Why is my query taking hours to join 1,000 records?

Five: Working with Production Stored Procedures scripted from SSMS with the Author/Create Date/Description block, with none of comment block filled out.
If you use a wizard or auto-scripted code, please delete what you don’t use, or heck, fill it out!

– =============================================
– Author:          <Author,,Name>
– Create date: <Create Date,,>
– Description:     <Description,,>
– =============================================

Six: Inconsistent formatting within a TSQL script.
Stick to one style, a style, any style, please!

SELECT
[Alias1] = Field01  –This
, Field02 ‘Alias2′, –versus this
Field03 AS Alias3   –versus this
FRom Table01
–Above include inconsistent use of commas,
–  mixed case key words,
–  and different ways to alias selected fields.
–  ARGH!

SEVEN: Working with unformatted output copied from a an SSMS grid straight to MS Excel.
You mean these numbers in scientific notation are SSNs and Phone Numbers? And where are my leading zeroes?

EIGHT: Receiving tasks and work where the deadline is impossible.
Yes, that needs to be done, and it needs to be done yesterday…

NINE: Receiving tasks and work with no documentation or specifications.
Yes, take what we discussed at lunch and implement that by end of the week. What? Yes, we went out to lunch Friday. What? Yes, this week. What? You can’t read my handwriting on that napkin?

Sorry these are not DBA type of problems, but I am sure at all levels of being SQL Server Professionals, we’ve all seen or worked with these in one form or another.

Thanks again to Thomas, aka SQLRockstar, for hosting Meme Monday!

My two and a half cents!…

About Jason E Bacani MBA (@JEBacaniSQLDude)

SQL Server Developer, DCU Online PS3 Gamer, Music & Movie Fan, Air Jordan Fan, NBA & MLB Fan, Comics & Star Wars & Star Trek Fan, World Traveller, Splenda fan!
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